Thursday, November 8, 2018


“Tactical Insincerity?!!”
By Susan Klein

“Love must be sincere.”

Thanksgiving. To some it invokes thoughts of festive tables laden with bountiful delicacies and much merry-making. To others, it conjures up ideas of family strife and lumpy mashed potatoes. For most, it probably falls somewhere in the middle. In any case, thankfulness is usually the modus operandi.

A couple of years ago I was browsing through my latest issue of Food and Wine  for some tasty new recipes to add to that year’s Thanksgiving menu. An article midway through the magazine caught my eye. The author shared that for years, his grandfather lovingly prepared the feast and everyone complimented him on his wonderful food, especially the oyster stuffing. Unbeknownst to Grandpa, they really didn’t like the stuffing, but didn’t want to make him feel bad. In the author’s words, “That’s what Thanksgiving is all about: tactical insincerity in the service of domestic harmony.” (1) Then, one year, he switched to an entirely different recipe. The new stuffing was SO much better and everyone raved about it. Their insincere praise of the old recipe for many years actually kept Grandpa making it. Now, sensing the truth of the matter, Grandpa teasingly proposed going back to the old tried and trusted recipe in future years.

How often might we implement this practice of “tactical insincerity” without realizing it? Could we possibly be replacing true “kindness” with “flattery”? While we all make efforts to show appreciation, are we keeping it sincere?

Speaking the truth in a loving way takes some thoughtful consideration. In our efforts to express gratefulness, we need to exercise care so it doesn’t sound like hollow flattery. As the grandpa in the article illustrated, the recipient can usually detect the sincerity (or insincerity) of our compliment. If the turkey is dry and over-done, the cook is generally the first to notice. No need to compliment how fabulous it turned out. If Uncle Fred is in a sour mood, it may not be the time to point out his sunny disposition. Why not rather show thankfulness for their time and effort in being willing to host or contribute to the gathering? Or, maybe share something that lets the person know you value who they are more than what they do.

This Thanksgiving, let’s forego the “tactical insincerity” and be the bearers of genuine kindness, using our words and actions to foster true harmony while blessing those around us. Be sure to throw in a little merry-making!


GOING DEEPER:
1. How might “tactical insincerity” be creeping into your speech?
2. What can you do to let others know you are grateful for them?

FURTHER READING:

Susan is married to Mark, and co-leads an in-home small group. She serves as a mentor to young women, and is a member of Oakwood’s Peace Team, helping people work through conflict.

(1) “Is Thanksgiving the Only Critic-Proof Meal?” Food and Wine, November 2016